Etiquette at the gym (a.k.a. farts-a-plenty)

I've recently started a new workout program that has me doing cardio intervals three times a week. I prefer to use the elliptical machine at the local YMCA because it's low impact, and I hate running. I could write a missive about how dumb I think running is, but at least you get somewhere. I recognize that the elliptical machine is dumber, as you are fake running without actually getting anywhere--so I'll leave that one alone so that I don't get angry glares from people who get a runner's high (which I'm convinced isn't real, but an El Dorado-esque motivational tool--but again, I'll leave that be).

Anyways, I missed going to the gym this morning because Addie slept poorly last night, so I went this afternoon after I got home from work. I don't know if you've ever done intervals, but they're pretty intense. They get your heart rate up, and I definitely start sucking wind toward the end of the minute-long "on" periods that I do. Well, you know what makes intervals harder? When someone farts nearby. Don't get me wrong--sometimes it happens, and I'm willing to forgive the occasional mishap. But these were terrible, I-can't-breathe, sentient farts--it's like they were trying to punish me for having a sense of smell. I mean, there I am, trying my best to huff and puff through my workout, when all of the sudden it's like I'm trying to breathe through a surgical mask that's been hanging out in Addie's diaper pail. It was that bad.

What stinks (awesome pun alert!), is that it's impossible to know who's taking care of business--so to speak. And what's worse, people could be assuming it's you. For instance, I noticed the woman on the machine next to me start to glance around her shortly after the first "incident." The problem is, was it a "I can't believe the guy next to me is farting" look, or was it "I hope nobody knows that it's me that's farting right now" look? You know that look because we've all been there--looking around to see if we've gotten away with the crime. Thankfully, I finished up my workout shortly thereafter, so I didn't have to keep fake-running through a cloud of ick. I guess the advantage of running would be that I could have run away; so that's one in your column running--just don't count me as a convert